What is it about coming home to a smiling face like this that melts away the stress of a day? Meet my youngest child. This beautiful baldy is 7 months old and has 4 big sisters (2 from me, 2 from dad) and a big brother (from dad) to help him navigate through life.
To help protect all of my children, I will not refer to them by their given names, just as I refer to myself by my chosen witch name instead of my given name. For my son, I will refer to him as Thomas.
Thomas was born this past fall after an agonizing pregnancy. I felt awful the entire time. Not morning sickness in the typical sense but I felt horribly nauseous if I started to get hungry. This lead to some overeating and some unwanted weight gain and a loss of energy. Prior to conceiving I had lost 50 pounds so my body was used to being at a lower weight and the extra weight going back on made me hurt all over.
I started going into labor on a Tuesday, but it was still very early and I wasn't progressing. At my appointment on Thursday, I begged the doctor to induce me because I was tired of contracting with no results. I was admitted that evening and they started the induction process. Friday afternoon, when they broke my water, my doctor started to hesitate. She told us that she thought she felt either a hand or a foot next to his head. Since she had broken my water, the handheld doppler wasn't giving her a clear picture of what was going on. Radiology had left for the day so they called them back in so that my doctor could use their stronger equipment to find out what was going on. In the meantime, my labor was progressing naturally and I was starting to get pretty uncomfortable. I had asked about some pain medications, but my doctor didn't want to give me anything in my IV just in case we had to go into surgery. Even though I hated the thought of it, I asked for an epidural because I was pretty sure I was going to need a c-section. Anesthesia had left for the day as well so they had to call in the doctor before I could receive anything.
What seemed like a lifetime passed before radiology finally got there with the bigger ultrasound machine. Thomas had turned while we were waiting and was laying sideways in my womb so a natural delivery was out to the question at that point. Anesthesia arrived thinking they were there for an epidural and ended up getting set up and prepped for surgery.
I have so much respect for mothers who have repeated c-sections. It was by far the most difficult recovery of my 3 pregnancies and births.
I just want to end this by saying that post-partum depression SUCKS! I was diagnosed when I finally reached out and asked for help. I felt angry all the time. I felt like I wasn't ever good enough, that nothing I did was good enough. It isn't wanting to cry all the time for everyone. I was angry. It isn't wanting to die for everyone. I wanted to sleep all day. depression looks different to different people. It's okay to not be okay.